Amen Aunt Vag!

Last week, my mom wrestled with death. It was clear her body was shutting down. My brothers and I made the twelve hour drive to North Carolina to see her. My two brothers that drove through the night, were the first to see her. Her head was swollen, and she could barely speak. Her shortness of breath sounded like she was being strangled. It took all of her strength for her to say "I love you." Me and my brother Gabriel arrived at the hospital after midnight. We joked that we might have to beat up janitors and steal their outfits to sneak into our mom's room. Luckily, the hospital allowed 24 hour visits and we didn't have to beat up any janitors. When we got there, the swelling was down, and she could speak again. When the potassium I.V. burned her arm and she screamed, me and my little brother disco danced and laughed her through her pain. She felt every ounce of pain, without pain killers, just like the day I was born.

The thought of losing my mom, crushed me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to lose her. The truth is, I feel like I never got to have her. When I was a little girl I was raised by my dad. I always saw my mom, but it was never enough. When I saw her, she always made everything warm and beautiful. When I hug her, there's always sadness that lingers there, a deep longing for my beautiful mother. Losing one person can change your whole life, and your entire family.

I do believe that these bodies are just our shells, and I whole-heartedly believe in more. The only reason I believe in anything is because my mother gave me faith. All these years, if I've ever been scared, I would repeat something she told me: "Greater is he, that is in me that is in the World." So many times those words walked me home alone at night. I'm not going to lie, I've called on G-d so many times. I said, "Please God" when my car was spinning on the New Jersey Turnpike after having avoided getting crushed by two tractor trailers. I got out of the car and looked over the edge of a bridge that my car just bounced off of. I was waiting to see my body in the car when I got out, but I was alive with a broken head light. Someone who saw the accident pulled over and said he couldn't believe I survived. I called my mom who answered, "Rosie, I was just thinking about you." I started crying and told her, "I was in an accident." Silly as it is, even when you have a boo-boo as an adult, you need your mom.

The doctor was sure that she would be dead if she didn't get to the hospital when she did. Within twenty four hours, she could breathe normally again, the swelling went down. It looked like all the prayers were working. In fact, I was told I saved her life. A week ago on her birthday, I called my mom. I told her I made her a video birthday card, but I could tell she was to sick to get out of bed and watch it. I wished I could be there to take care of her. I messaged one of her friend's daughter on facebook. I asked her if someone could go and make her soup and take care of her on her birthday. They went and stayed with her for a few days, and these were the people who when they saw she wasn't getting any better from the anti-biotics, they decided she should go the hospital. My mom told her friend, "I'm not going to make it." I wonder if it weren't my mom's birthday, and if I didn't get in touch with her friends, would she be dead now? It certainly looks that way. The timing of everything was perfect. I spent the whole week in a hospital, even after we had to wear masks, gloves and gowns because she contracted some hospital staff infection.

So many friends called me, messaged me, people prayed for her, and sent me so much love and wisdom. I'd like to dedicate today's words of wisdom to the people who sent love, flowers, and especially to all of those who have lost their mothers. These words of wisdom were written to me by my Aunt Vag (that's her nick-name, it's a whole other essay.) When I was so broken and scared Aunt Vag's words gave me great comfort, and faith. Thanks Aunt Vag for saying these words! May your words live forever, and bring great comfort and strength to those who face an unbearable loss of losing their mother. I'm very grateful for every little moment with my mom. I'm happy to say that my mom is being released from the hospital, and that we all have a second chance at life today.

" You will never lose your mom as long as you love her. She is part of you. Every cell in your body started inside your mom. "